I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
