How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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