hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
