I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
