Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
