Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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