My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
