hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
