Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
