Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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