break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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