maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
