I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
