Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
