Kiss
Puke
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize