I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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