I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
