Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize