did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
