your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
