I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it hurts more in the daytime
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
