Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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