What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
