i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
