While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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