True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
we should paint friendship bongs
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
