Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
