I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
