There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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