We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
