We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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