happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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