Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
