Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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