I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
