the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My pussy is not your playground.
Mom said you looked used
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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