i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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