mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
