Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
