On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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