I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
