Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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