Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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