Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
