i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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