Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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