remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
