I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
