my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
