Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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