It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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