just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
