I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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