Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
