I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
