i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
