I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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