I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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