Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm passing your future prison.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
