fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
